Finally I found something that has generating enough violent inner rage inside of me to blog about. Breaking Dawn Part 2. What a diabolical abomination of cinema. I have never in my life experienced such utter dross. £8.55. Yes. I repeat £8.55 for the apparent pleasure of the biggest selling Blockbuster since the last one.
Having previously seen a selection of these films, I was not surprised by the utter monotony of the single gayest heterosexual relationship in the history of the world. For the first 2 hours or so I was treated to Robert Patinson's whispering about how gayly in love he is with Kirsten Stewart. This was of course entirely undermined by the fact that she was banging that director man in real life throughout. A good game would be to guess at which part from which started playing away. Such a surprise that relationship has come to an end just in time for the end of the franchise.
What Twilight has failed to achieve is let the audience who have not read the books know what the hell is going on. From my understanding Robert Patinson is a vampire, vampires hate werewolves, he loves a human, he bites her they have a baby. I also presumed that the werewolf man was his love rival. Yet in this scenario he seems quite content to let the man who wants to bang his Mrs not only stay in his house with his family, but also develop some sort of wolf bond with his daughter.
The trailer, which I admit is intriguing, portrays the culmination of several years of drama between Robert Patinson's family against some sort of Italian vampire mafia, headed up by Michael Sheen. I enjoyed that vampires can only battle in snow, and that they can run at ridiculous speeds, and yet choose to drive a volvo.
So after all the soppy gayness is over, the vampires gather, along with the wolves (no clue why) against the vampire mafia. The reason for the war? In case the child is immortal. I have no clue why she may be immortal because this is not explained to me. I thought that all vampires lived forever? Anyway, so Michael Sheen finds out she is not immortal, but half immortal! Ah yes, now all is well. But he doesn't trust her so he declares the war shall go ahead as planned.
Then a pixie like vampire appears and shows him the future. Alas, a huge battle seen. The wolf runs off with the child, chased by a man who looks like Bob Marley, and vampires rip each others heads off literally, and then they burn each other. Eventually RPats does a few slick kicks and punches and Kirsten Stewart rips off Michael Sheen's head.
Then actually no. Its all a premonition by the pixie vampire and noone is really dead. Then Pocahontas and a male version of Pocahontas appear and say, do not fear, I am half immortal, and I am 150 years old. Then they all go home happy.
The final scene was back to the extra gayness. Lying in a field of flowers, with the protagonists staring deep into each others souls. When Kirsten said the line "I want to show you something", the lad inside of me had an overwhelming desire to shout "yeah , me front bum", but instead I refrained.
Without question the worst film I have ever seen. Anyone thinking of watching. Go read Harry Potter.
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